refill

notes on being temporarily full

there’s a plastic bottle in front of me
refilled
and almost gonna get empty again.

we don’t usually refill plastic bottles at home
but i have been using too many
because of its convenience.
this one i took to the gym
where i tend to chug water
though usually i drink very little.

the shape is unique
curved at the top
narrowing toward the bottom
so that it is easier to grip.
some had bigger necks
which made it hard to put my lips onto them and drink
lest i get water in my nose
which burns like hell.

it takes time to twist the cap open
since some bottles have a tough seal.
before i used to rest my fingers
at the base of the seal instead of above it
which made it difficult.
now i notice myself opening it correctly
each time.
it is a mini ritual.
it makes me feel stronger
mostly pride in myself.

but the water finished so quickly.
i felt bad because
it didn’t have enough time spent with me.

i toss it away so it can be recycled
though i believe it is not even actually recycled.
i forget about it
and if i see it again
i toss it.

it is not as reflective or alive
as the part with water
it is just air
still puffed up
but when i open the bottle
i can easily crush it.
it is weak.
it feels like taking advantage of it.

it wasn’t complete.
it didn’t have any autonomy of its own.
it knew it was something to be used once
and thrown away
but i guess it wanted more.
it still had hope
even though if it were used more
its insides would corrode
because it would be at least temporarily full.

and right before it is totally empty
that last bit sloshing at the bottom
is what i go to
when i desperately need water
and there are only a few drops left.
i try squeezing those last drops from the bottle.
it barely takes the edge off
because i will have to go get water anyway.